I’m such a screwup!

God, I hate myself!

So, the one chance I had to be happy in 4 years, and I blow it! Better yet, I don’t even know I did to blow it, or even how to fix it, except to sit here, heartbroken, crying my lungs out, and waiting. All because I can’t control how excited I get over some things is the best of my guess. God, I hate myself! Why does this hurt so God damn much? Can anyone tell me? I feel like jumping off the next nearest bridge, but I’m not, because I’m stronger than that. I have to be strong, to show the world I’m not some fuck up little accicent caused by a drunken high teenage whore and an opportunistic teenage guy 18 fucking years ago, to show the person I love more than anyone else that I may not be perfect, but I’m still perfectly capable of trying my best and to love. Why do I always have to mess things up? WHY!? Can someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even know what’s wrong with me!!! How can I change if I don’t know what causes me to always screw up! She always tells me that I should give up, find someone else. Maybe I don’t want to, just maybe she is the only person who makes me happy. I’ve already accepted the fact that I can’t be what she needs, or what she wants, but I at least want to try for a while. So, I was going to spend the weekend with her, and I got to excited, like I always do, then she claims I’m obsessed, and she doesn’t want to talk to me saying she has to much on her. Well, I have to much on me to, but I’d rather try to help her than try to fix my own problems. Why do I always set myself up to be hurt? Why can’t people believe me? And more than anything, why does everything I do innocently and without thinking always get twisted and turned into something bad that ends up causing everyone so much pain? I don’t want to hurt people, especially her. Yet I always end up hurting her and thus myself, and I don’t even know what I did that caused it.

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