I’m such a screwup!

God, I hate myself!

So, the one chance I had to be happy in 4 years, and I blow it! Better yet, I don’t even know I did to blow it, or even how to fix it, except to sit here, heartbroken, crying my lungs out, and waiting. All because I can’t control how excited I get over some things is the best of my guess. God, I hate myself! Why does this hurt so God damn much? Can anyone tell me? I feel like jumping off the next nearest bridge, but I’m not, because I’m stronger than that. I have to be strong, to show the world I’m not some fuck up little accicent caused by a drunken high teenage whore and an opportunistic teenage guy 18 fucking years ago, to show the person I love more than anyone else that I may not be perfect, but I’m still perfectly capable of trying my best and to love. Why do I always have to mess things up? WHY!? Can someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even know what’s wrong with me!!! How can I change if I don’t know what causes me to always screw up! She always tells me that I should give up, find someone else. Maybe I don’t want to, just maybe she is the only person who makes me happy. I’ve already accepted the fact that I can’t be what she needs, or what she wants, but I at least want to try for a while. So, I was going to spend the weekend with her, and I got to excited, like I always do, then she claims I’m obsessed, and she doesn’t want to talk to me saying she has to much on her. Well, I have to much on me to, but I’d rather try to help her than try to fix my own problems. Why do I always set myself up to be hurt? Why can’t people believe me? And more than anything, why does everything I do innocently and without thinking always get twisted and turned into something bad that ends up causing everyone so much pain? I don’t want to hurt people, especially her. Yet I always end up hurting her and thus myself, and I don’t even know what I did that caused it.

Rain Rain Go Away

Well, it’s raining quite heavily here in beautiful Marietta, GA. I had to stop by the SPSU bookstore earlier to buy an umbrella to use just to walk around campus without getting soaked, which I did before I bought the umbrella.

Well, I’m out for a while. Need to *cough* study for a Computer Science exam in 50 minutes or so. Feel glad to distract me if you read this often (like anyone does anyway)

My Day

Been a while since I posted, but felt like I’d give a rundown of my day

  1. Woke up
  2. Went to Dollar General to buy stuff for my mom
  3. Went to Save-A-Lot and bought cig’s for my mom’s friend Wanda (hey, I am old enough to buy them even though I am smart enough to not smoke them)
  4. Went to Sam’s Club
  5. Went to my grandpa’s
  6. Ate at Ci Ci’s Pizza… had to be at least 20 of us there
  7. Came back home
  8. Sitting here waiting…

Pretty Promise (Lie)

Pretty Promise (Lie) by Sarie

Over and over again I’ll trip
Over your pretty lies
That you disguise as a promise
Laced with the thought of bliss

Whispers toned with smiles
Told the pretty promises
Of what you’ll do for me
All fake; but I didn’t see

Along his way to save me
He lost his shining way:
My crimson knight
And left me without a smiling light


My friend Sarie wrote this. She gave me permission to repost it. She originally posted the poem here.